This is just
My observation,
But I've noticed that
Most people
Who choose
A different path
In life
Are just taking
The long route
Home

I hate the way she smiles
When I compliment her.
First,
Her chest expands
Ever so slightly
As if I breathed
New life
Into her lungs.
And then
A small
Suppressed
Smile
Unwittingly
Creeps onto
Her lips.
And I can't bear it.
I can't bear knowing
That I have
That much power
Over her.
I can't bear knowing
That I have
Her soft
Beautiful
Fragile
Heart
In my
Clumsy
Hands.

I called her an idiot.
It was inadvertent,
I wasn't even sure,
After I hung up,
That I had really done it.
But then a little later,
When I called her again,
And she said "hello,"
Her voice sounded different.
(For a second, I thought
Maybe the dybuk finally left,)
So I said "who is this?"
And she answered
"It's me, the eediot"
(That dybuk's never going to relocate.)
So I became very apologetic
"Oh, did I really say that?
I was spaced out,
I didn't know
What I was saying."
And then I apoligized
Ever so sweetly,
Ever so sincerely,
Ever so Oscar-worthily,
But truthfully,
I regretted
That I had taken a step back
In settling the score.
Last time I counted,
In order to break even,
I owe her
1,644 "you eediot"s,
3,293 "you slob"s
And 58 "bitch"es.
Plus a few more
Minor odds and ends.
But I'm starting to think
That at the rate I'm going,
This is just not going to happen
And anyway,
Revenge is not my thing.
And anyway,
I don't think it'll help
To lessen my pain.
But maybe
Writing about it
Will.

Ok, I get it.
Some people like to collect things.
I'm not one of them,
But I can understand it.
Coins, stamps, bottle caps, whatever -
I really get it.
But what I don't get is -
her collection.
I'd swear -
She treasures it,
She revels in it,
She dwells on it,
As much as the next collector.
And if you tell her so -
She'll deny it!
In fact,
She'll deny it so efficiently
That she'll even fool
Herself.
And I even get that too.
But what I don't get is,
Why in heaven's name
Would she want to collect
Enemies?

I wonder why I enjoyed it so much,
Why I got such a big kick out of it.
Maybe it was the novelty of it.
Maybe it was because I knew I deserved it,
Or maybe it was the absolute absurdity of it.
There she was,
Enunciating every letter
To make sure her message came through loud and clear -
Through each of our closed car windows -
"ASS HOLE".
...Or maybe I just found her impotent rage so amusing.
I assume the purpose of her doing that
Was to lessen her anger
And invoke mine,
Well, one of them I know she didn't do
And the other I doubt she did.
Actually, I'm pretty sure
She accomplished the opposite
Of both of her goals.
So I opened my window,
And I thanked her.
I figured that was the least I could do
For a perfect stranger
Who so selflessly gave up of herself
Solely for my benefit.

If you hate it,
Then why'd you create it?

If you hate it,
Then why d'you perpetuate it?

She was always screaming
And it just killed me
It stripped me
Of all my dignity
All my self worth
All my belief in myself
And then, I left
And finally
Finally
The screaming stopped.

But then
After a while
It started again.
And again I felt
All my dignity
All my self worth
All my belief in myself
Slipping away from me
But this time I couldn't leave.
This time
The screaming
Was coming from
Me

An interesting feeling came over me yesterday.
And it made me think.
And it made me wonder.
And it made me psychoanalyze.

Then today,
The opposite feeling came over me.
And it made me think.
And it made me wonder -
Why did I bother to psychoanalyze yesterday?

I'm lost.
In all the noise,
The sirens,
The phones,
The talking,
The screaming,
The crying,
The responsibilities,
The obligations,
The commitments,

The worries,

The fears,

The guilt,

The regrets,

The layers,
The defenses.
The chaos.

I wish that
I could find
For myself
A small place
In this huge world
Where I can be alone.
To reflect.
To listen to the silence.
And I wonder if -
In the solitude.
In the stillness.
I could find myself.
And if I did -
Would I regret it?

It amazes me how stupid smart people can be. A stupid person is satisfied with the old fashion, tried and true methods of acting stupid. But for a smart person that just won't do. No, when he's intent on acting stupid, he has to do it in the smartest way possible. The result is stupidity taken to new heights (or depths - depending on your vantage point). But then, he's still not satisfied. While a stupid person would just continue on and not even think about the stupidity he's just accomplished (most likely because he's unaware of it - I assume), the smart person chooses to dwell on it, thinking of how to perfect it the next time he decides to give it a go - though he'll probably call it "making sure never to do anything so stupid again." But that's irrelevant, because the end result is the same - he will try - again and again - until he's satisfied that he can't come up with any more clever and innovative ways of acting stupid. Which is approximately - never.

How could I have been so selfish? How could I have been so blind to the possibility that she might actually have it worse than I did? It never even occurred to me that that could be the case! But yesterday, it was clear to me - when she told me that. She said it nonchalantly, and I reacted the same, but inside, inside, I was anything but 'chalant', and I'm sure she wasn't either. But I didn't know how to react, or rather, I didn't know what would be the best outward reaction for her too see, so I put on a poker face - I figured I can't go wrong with that. And I continued to talk with her easily, as if she hadn't just told me something that made me feel like someone had punched me in the gut. But that was then, and now I'm left with now. Now I'm left with agonizing over what to do - feeling like I have a responsibility. It's clear to me that I can no longer afford the comfort of believing that things are not so bad because she never complains. No matter how many smiles she puts on, and no matter how convincing they are, I can't let myself be fooled by it. It's the easy thing to do. It's the comfortable thing to do. It's the wrong thing to do. But what's the right thing?